Tapping into your inner child and letting it shine and being over the top about silly things just makes your day better.
Today was a fun day. Wondering if you’re doing things right can be productive but it’s very easy to overdo. Today, not worrying about that, I managed to have more fun and be more productive than yesterday! Awesome!
There is a small wish for validation… My inner world is by definition, only mine and abstract. I may attempt to explain it and might have enough success but the energy I’ve poured on it translates into reality in non-obvious, indirect and sneaky ways. I’ve spent a lot of time bettering myself internally and I think that’s amazing, but I also an annoying wish for recognition, which admittedly can feel like waste of energy. I understand and accept that this is who I currently am, a man who desires to have his rich inner world work seen, comprehended and cherished, and to have the work and energy I put into it recognized. Though I feel like there’s a chance that may never come, it might be better this way. Only I will ever be able to know forever the extent of my work, because even if an external completely understood it, what would be the point? Such understanding wouldn’t be around for long anyways. Yes, it’s difficult to be content with the fact that only I’ll always be the one to know and think so much about things like being disposed of, misunderstood or cared for less than I deserve, and consequently forgotten by the ones who leave, in a light, forgiving and non-bitter fashion. But isn’t that straightforwardly the much better alternative? Me comprehending instead of giving that away to a third party, in the hopes of short-lived adoration? Odd how we seek that instead of being securely content with no one ever even coming close to seeing it, when that is technically the ideal, a hidden treasure only we possess. Even if I’d love to externalize it in a positive, actionable and more tangible manner, it serves so little purpose. Odd how living with this masterpiece and understanding it fully can feel less rewarding than the promise of half-comprehension from outside in moments of disconnection. Maybe it’s due to how amazing it feels to feel something positive and new for the first time (as I can’t remember the last time I felt truly seen and cherished (which sounds sad, but I’m at peace with)), and we get desensitized after a while and can never relive it, even though we know it’s logical that such a desensitization is better, as it reminds us to focus on us again. How can one be more truly content with their inner sanctum without relying on the natural urge to want some externality? I believe a good idea would be to internalize imaginative intra-externals… Like imagining me looking at this at various points in my life. Past me is in awe at such depth and future me is aggressively-positively cheering current me on for staying on the right track, like a crowd cheering a tense match of whatever sport comes to mind. Such a wish for external adoration could be an ego escape, externalizing blame and responsibility to the other, as “if only they…”, followed by anything, given the situation. I have nothing holding me back. This is a privilege I’ve granted myself. I’m allowing myself to transcend evolutionary instincts by integrating the animal man and being in tune with the Great Man more than ever. Is it a feeling of unease, and fear that this is it? Growing so much that all else is a net loss no matter what? The drive is still there, however, but I’ve been resistant. It is tamed. Has been for a long time. The discomfort of knowing there is nothing holding me back and still having a long way forward, perhaps? Low, petty and ingrained norms of what power is considered to be, subverted by a feeling of omnipotence. The all-seer, the oracle, the equilibrium between conscious and unconscious. The collective understanding of greatness, as it stands today, is that it requires recognition to be valid, an understanding hard to detach from, but when everything inside me cheers itself on, yelling… “Great! Great! Great!” A complete transcendence from such norms is in process. A part of me is impressed and tells me “No one does this! This is amazing!” But it’s clearly not mature enough as in its awe, it includes those pesky externals. I’m thankful for the pride it fuels me with, but I’m sure we can work together to tap into a fully, endless supply of self-sufficiency. To a point where not even the furthest comparison can be hoped to be made. Turning any sort of competition into something alien and as incomprehensible as possible. This situation is neither good nor bad but it illustrates that there is yet further ground to explore, and just when you think you’ve achieved all, you realize you can still grow. I’m excited! Overcoming biology is simply an excuse, as the wisdom I’ve gained from reading the stoics has already aided me in overcoming such obstacles. So I believe I can overcome this one too.
I definitely need to get used to the feeling as well, as it’s very different. You don’t feel excited, you feel like saying happy doesn’t quite make sense, but that’s what it is. A lack of excitement but along with a lack of… Bad. Anything bad. Deep, deep contentment. I smile.
I realize when trying to appeal to possible partners (in an imaginary rehearsal) that I can feel underwhelming sometimes. But no, I just realized that I just don’t do my rich inner world justice and that’s why it feels that way. I dislike “blaming it on the world” yet it’s undeniable the effect it has, as before, I wasn’t aware of it, but of course I’d feel small when talking with such excitement about my rich inner world, as it’s actively disincentivized by our world today. It’s my most valuable and treasured possession, and talking about it at a glance, without attempting to explain at the very least the feeling I get from all the numen behind it is nuts! And I’m perpetually condemned to not be able to do it enough justice when talking about it to others, as language is a social tool and the inner world transcends it so very much. But maybe that’s a good thing, because it helps that much more to focus inward, as the theme is letting go from all the external anyways, since I need not words to understand it myself, it proves to not be a problem.
What about you? Do you believe you have a rich inner world?
Goodbye for now!