Today I received a most unexpected visitor. It’s gonna sound silly… But it was Slenderman. I was having a dream in which I was being dragged by a homeless man and couldn’t move. The powerlessness made me very uneasy and anxious, especially because I tried to scream for help but my voice failed. I opened my eyes yet I was still half-asleep and in sleep paralysis. So, because I had my eyes open, I saw my room, yet I was still dreaming. I generally don’t have vivid visions this accurate. Slenderman showed up as my eyes fully opened, he was crouched right in front of me, sliding one of his big hands up my chest. It felt so real as I’ve never had sleep paralysis with my eyes open.
It intrigued me deeply, and I knew that my unconscious really wanted to send me a message. It’s hard for me to dream journal as I have many unusual dreams and I often forget the details as soon as I wake up, so I was certain my unconscious deliberately wanted to catch my attention and shed light on something by bringing to me something that was filled with numinosity and that also pertained to my childhood (something I look back fondly and love remembering, and when I do, I always write down what I remembered, how it makes me feel, etc). So I meditated as a form of allowing my unconscious (him) to speak to me, and he told me he was proud of me and I imagined us hugging. Mind you this was while in a meditative state, so my conscious mind did not heavily suggest this or skewed my thinking in any form, this was just what I naturally envisioned. It also brought to light something that has been a theme lately. Being scared of being alone in the future, wanting to take action and at the same time not wanting to take much action at all, the logical versus emotional arguments I’ve had with myself. It helped me understand my inner child’s feeling of entitlement, literally him crossing his arms, pouting and sitting down. I dislike inaction, and the logical part of me has urged me to reach out to many new people, in an attempt to remedy future loneliness, while the emotional part of me tells me to wait (since I’m open and kind to everyone anyways) for others to reach out first. With those things in mind, the stage has been set for a back and forth war that took a long time to stop. Yes, I should respect myself and the way I operate, waiting for others to reach out first consistently and in a meaningful way as proof that they’re worthy of my time, but that’s very personal, and no one will fully comprehend that that’s just how I operate, even if I tell them. And so, arguments like these (and derivatives) have been thrown by both sides, at the expense of overall peace and well-being. I love that I’m built for action, but it pushed me to the point of stress. I was torn for months. Now? Now I don’t really care. Whoever comes (if anyone ever will) will know how to value me. Slenderman, since he was a big part of my childhood fear of the unknown, was also a reminder to keep cherishing my jovial, enthusiastic side and see the numen in this sacred part of me, and urged me to connect with stuff from my childhood, which I’ve consistently done once every few days but will now be attentive to do at least once every day.
Today I had some overwhelm, as my mind was a little more foggy than usual. It was simply a relax day, but it scared me because I was trying to recollect a few things and I just couldn’t. This stress went away quite fast.
Goodbye for now!