Many new wild 72s found today back to back to back.
I’ve noticed the death motif a lot in my dreams in recent times. Fitting, with the amount of changes (mostly positive) that have recently occurred.
One thing that I reflected on today after waking up… I don’t really want anything. But not in a nihilistic way! I do notice desires like oh, the ideal relationship for me this, ohhh a monster PC that… More primal urge-y desires, yes, but… I don’t really… Need anything. I don’t want anything really badly. I’m just… chillin’. I’m chillin’ so hard rn. Ultra productive contentment. I love life as it is, flaws and all. I’m so chill rn it’s crazy.
I remembered a past moment with fondness. What’s the catch? It was a highly emotionally charged period of my life where I was very afraid to look back on. But guess what? Complete fondness and complete lightness in a rare moment of detachment. Just happy. A part of me felt like it wanted to be upset because of the memories and I did listen to it. I was open to let it do whatever it wanted but even the upset just couldn’t bring itself to actually be upset. As if it simply shrugged. My inner child is happy we can enjoy the thing related to that moment but he’s also being grumpy because he feels like if we enjoy said thing wholeheartedly, without thinking that “We only like this because of that time. If we discovered it on our own we wouldn’t care this much”, it means we’re less deep. He’s upset that not overthinking the power dynamic of said past memory can make us blind and consequently less deep. He’s afraid of forgetting. But if anything, we’re adding depth to it. And it’s crazy badass to be unphased by it! He’s like… “Okay. True, that does make it pretty cool… And deeper… But what if we forget? About the journey, I mean. Then it’s not gonna have mattered! All the suffering we went through… The hypervigilance…
…Hmmph…
Actually… Actually that’s kinda powerful…”
He realized now that we can’t lose the journey. Even if we don’t remember it every single waking second. It’s a part of us now. I’m grateful that truth doesn’t bother him anymore, that he instead loves having gone and still having to go through stuff. I’m glad he doesn’t wanna forget, doesn’t wanna lose it, with avoidance not arising whatsoever. He’s been taking the much more difficult, high road. Poor boy. He’s been that way for so long he’s developed resistance to simplicity… To just… Being. Scared of being like everyone else. Hypervigilance. He’s scared that when other people interact with us, we might be so incredibly relaxed we might not seem special. His next step? Figuring out how to be cool and deep while being completely fine. I told him it doesn’t matter but I’ll let him do his thing…
Overall an amazing christmas! A fambam get-together with good food and sweets, plus the numen of a special day with special promises for a great, special future. Couldn’t ask for a better day!
Goodbye for now!